January Blues

January is not a good month. It reeks of so many things; being broke, the hot sun, an empty fridge, haggling with matatu touts, the list is endless. It’s that time of the year where you walk around with your tail tucked safely between your legs, looking all meek and hoping to elicit sympathy from your boss for an early salary payment; from the tout to charge you the minimum amount; from the local grocer’s  to get tomatoes and onions for less than usual.

I can’t wait for February to get here, I can’t wait for when that cheque comes in and I have extra money in my pockets. I have been skipping lunch every day and it sucks. I have become short tempered and quick to react. Hunger does that to you, it makes you this different person you never envisioned yourself to be. That’s what happened yesterday.

I sent someone out to get me a bite over lunch hour. That meant my tummy was primed to feast on something. Two hours down the line, nothing was forthcoming. I got restless but managed to stay calm, consoling myself that the meal would get to me soon. An hour later, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I called again, asking where my food was. I got a whisper,

“I am in a meeting, I‘ll call you when am done.” He whispered.

I couldn’t believe it. Everything in me sagged. The hunger pangs that had been hitting me for the last three hours immediately went on overdrive. The niggling headache I had started having at noon became a full blown one. A got this huge lump in my throat that refused to go down. I was furious. 

My hands started to shake and the potato still refused to go down. I wanted to swallow someone. If anyone had dared to talk to me then I would have snarled back at them. 

Eventually I cooled down after taking a cold glass of water. I even managed to forget I was hungry, for a while at least. Later, my colleagues told me my eyes had turned red too. I simply told them it was the month’s fault.

2012

They have hiked the fare. Imagine that! They have gone and hiked the fare on our route. When I gave the kange money and he asked me to add a twenty bob, I almost pinched his nose Baraza style! It’s a new year for crying out loud. Was this their new year present to me?

Now, here is the thing, I can spend a lot on shoes and food but an extra ten bob given to a conductor is enough to give me ulcers. As I handed over the twenty shilling coin to him, I could feel the anger seething inside me. I imagined all sorts of nasty things happening to him. I wanted to grab all the notes he held in his hand and stuff them inside my purse, just to spite him…or maybe not.

So anyway, things have changed. It’s a brand new year and as they say, change is as good as rest. I am also going to change. I won’t make any resolutions this time round, no I wont. I will live each day as it comes because I have learnt that there are things in life that you just cannot force. You have to let them follow their course.

But am going to laugh all I want and can. And I will also cry because tears have a way of cleansing the soul. I am going to put aside all the disappointments, frustrations and pain from the past year; I wont say forget because we never really forget them – we just learn to live with them. I am not going to let other people’s opinions shape the way I live my life.

Most importantly, I am going to follow my dreams. I am going to try so hard to get where I want to be, I know I may not get there this year but the next twelve months are going to be an integral part of that journey.