Survival Tactics

I have to connect vehicles to and from work since my work place and where I live are on opposite ends of town. Where I alight in town and where I board the connecting vehicle are not near each other, it takes me almost 15 minutes to cover this walk. Initially, I used to get so tired at the thought of the distance, but now am used to it.

Sometimes there are vehicles headed where am going that come much closer to pick up passengers from undesignated places. I am usually tempted to board these ones, although I rarely do since if either the cops or kanjo catch you inside one of them, your final destination will be the police station. So I normally just avoid them and take my matts from the designated places.

Nevertheless, there are those days when I just can’t resist it. I take the chance and board at the wrong places. I have never been caught, until one Thursday morning when everything changed.
I was a bit late so I decided to just take this vehicle that was picking passengers up as it went. Eventually, it filled up and we were on our way.

After a few minutes, we got to a round about where there were a number of cops waiting. The next thing we know, the tout was opening the door of the mat.
“Haiya! Kumekujwo” he exclaimed
In a flash, he jumped out of the vehicle and disappeared among the crowds on the side of the road. 

We were left in shock. In the next instant, a cop materialized next to our vehicle and had the passenger seated in front to shift to the back so he could sit next to the driver.

“Twende police station” he instructed the driver who complied.

I was horrified. I knew if we got to the police station we were going to be charged and I’d have to pay not less than ten thousand shillings. I had heard tales of what used to happen to guys who were unfortunate to be caught. I didn’t want the same to happen to me. I had to think fast!

When we got to a junction I made a decision. I was going to jump out when traffic slowed. This was the only chance I had to save my ass. 

“Driver wacha nidondoke, nimefika mahali naenda” I shouted at the driver since there was no conductor.
That was a blatant lie since the police station was on the opposite side of the route where the matatu plied.
“Hakuna mtu kushuka mpaka tufike police station” the policeman retorted.
“Lakini nimekazwa sana na mkojo, nataka nitafute choo” I whined.
There were a few muffled giggles. I didn’t care, I had to get out. Let them laugh, till they learn they had to part with 10k. Before the junction opened, I opened the door and leaped out before the cop could do anything. 

He tried to shout, calling me back but I took off at a run. I dodged the vehicles on the road till I got to the other side and kept running.
When I was sure I was safe, I slowed down to a walk and started laughing hysterically. People were looking at me like I’d gone crazy but I didn’t care. I was elated. In my mind, I had achieved an impossible feat- I had outwitted a Kenyan cop :-)

What they sell

Sometimes I leave work extremely tired. This normally happens mostly on Mondays and Tuesdays. By Wednesday, I usually have gotten into the swing of things so that by the end of the day, my body is able to easily cope with the fatigue that’s usually there.

Then there are those days where I get off feeling all rejuvenated and raring to go. This happens especially on Fridays. On such days, I feel like I could go on for another eight hours. Nothing can easily spoil my mood and home is like the last thought in my head. On such days, I don’t really mind the loud music in a mat, nor the annoying condas who hurl insults. Everything is easy and I just let things flow as they come.

So anyway, there is this evening that I had had a really terrible day. All I wanted was to get home, crawl into bed, curl myself into a fetus and suck my thumb. The matatus were overcharging; normally I wait until much later when the rates have reduced before I board one. But this day I just couldn’t get the energy to do that. So I just got into the first one that came along.

I lay back on my seat and closed my eyes, hoping that the vehicle would get me home. After a few minutes, a man jumped on board. I didn’t pay him much attention until he started speaking,
“Kalamu kalamu kalamu! Kumi! Kumi! kumi!”
“Nunua kalamu poa kabisa, Nunua hata unaweza uza tena”

A broad grin lit my face. Unwittingly, this man had just made my evening. He was selling pens, and he had to use any means at his disposal to get people to buy.  I imagined myself buying the pens and then reselling them again just for the fun of it, then quickly discarded the thought. Business savvy I am not.

A handful of the passengers bought a few pens and at the next stop, he alighted. He was probably targeting another vehicle to continue selling his pens. I felt a little disappointed to see him go, maybe because I was expecting him to provide some more comic relief for me.

I sighed and leaned back in my seat once more and closed my eyes. The next thing I knew was a man chanting loudly,
“Wakati wa uponyaji umewadia mandugu na madada,”
“Tubuni dhambi zenu msije mkatokomea motoni!”
He had this hoarse crusty voice that was so strong, you had to sit up and listen. The vehicle had not stopped to pick up anyone, so I assumed he had come in as a passenger. He was on a mission. He was screaming on top of his lungs, screaming his message.
I wanted to alight.
I wanted to cry.
I wanted to rail at him for ruining everything.
I did none of those things. I decided to concentrate on the bald patch I had spotted on the head of the passenger seated in front of me.

A coward….or not

Commuting to and fro work is just routine, something I do without thinking about. It’s just what my life is all about.
Then there are times things happen that make me take pause and really examine what is happening.

So yesterday in the evening I took a mat that would take me home. The last person to board came in with a mattress. This huge and thick mattress, that I couldn’t help thinking that someone was going to have themselves a really lovely sleep.

Off we go. Just outside the CBD, the condas decide to pick up some more guys and make some more money. Since all the seats are occupied the people coming in had to stand along the aisle and hold on to the rail on the roof of the bus.

The conductor had already gotten money from the rest of us. So now he had to figure a way to get it from the standing fellows and at the same time supervise the alighting of the others as well. Remember, the mattress is still next to the entrance.

So he asks, rather shouts, at the standing guys to pass him his due read fare money

“Mtoe pesa zenu na mzilete zote huku mbele, kuanzia wenye mnajificha jificha hapo nyuma.”

He is using a tough voice n no one can mistake his meaning-time to pay up! So the guys all pass along their monies, he receives it checks to make sure it’s alright then pockets it.

Drama begins when its time for passengers to start alighting-the mattress is causing problems. One has to really stretch in order to pass and the passenger seated just next to it is not amused since shez being stepped on.

Now, there are some women to cross, and then there are others that you would do well to just leave them alone. An alighting passenger decided to take offence, telling her “We mama, unataka tupitie wapi?”

I gasped. He had opened a pandora’s box. I knew it even before she opened her mouth to retort back. There are some women that you are advised to steer off of, especially when it comes to matters of a confrontational nature; unless you got a real smart mouth on you.

She stood up. “Unaita nani mama? Eeeeh? Unaita nani mama?

“Mimi ni mama yako?”

I thought the man would just shut up and get off at the next stop. But it seems he also needed to get some off his chest. “Usiniletee mama! Umeskia?”

“Na usiniite mama tena, haunijui na hauna right yoyote kunikanyaga  kanyaga hapa, unaskia?”

I was now greatly entertained. What had looked to be a boring trip home had turned out to be a comedy of sorts. I was smiling, feeling truly happy for the first time that day. Atleast it was someone else who was having a hard time!

The argument eventually ended when the man had to alight. The woman looked disappointed, I think she still had more stuff to get off her chest and wasn’t happy at being denied the chance.

I was almost home by then. When I started to alight too, someone stepped on my toe. Looking up, it was another man, rudely shoving his way out the vehicle. I opened my mouth to say something, closed it again and hurriedly walked off. I may not be so sure about many things about myself but one thing I know is that I am not a smart mouth.

I remind myself what my mama always said… sometimes the best fight you can come up with is walking away from one.